Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   its christmas time. lets see some funnies and not democratic bull

   I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

   You know you're fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

   can't go to a nudist wedding, Women might mistake me for the Bestman."

   Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall ... what the hell happened?

   Dear Warner Brothers: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   What is this world coming to?! Who names their little girl Justin? Mrs. Bieber you have some explaining to do!

   I'd tap that...Haha....kidding I wouldn't even poke that on Facebook.

   Ok, I'm gettin' friend requests from Heathcliffe & Sponge Bob, Cinderella, the Smurfs & Donald Duck talkin bout gettin f&*ked up tonight .. Somethings wrong with this picture

   i am so tired of not being able to swear in my statuses since my family got facebook. So f&ck it. Sorry grandma.

   My 4 year old son is running around saying "Yippie-Kay-Yay" and it's taking everything I've got to keep from yelling "Mother-Fucker!" Yeah, I think I may seen "Die Hard" too many times.

   Maybe Adam should have spent more than just a rib......Just saying...

   I guess it's time to go grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself in our fridge and left a note 'Can't live like this'

   the chick on my GPS told me she wants to see other cars

   thinking up new and creative ways to kill zombies.

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos

   Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

   It's really only a matter of time before Lady Gaga gets Justin Beiber pregnant.

   I do not have a drinking problem... people without arms have a drinking problem.

   Newton's 3rd Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction