Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.

   Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she's blown.

   Charles Barkley's head looks like an Angry Bird.

   Nothing says “Good Morning… I Love You!” like morning sex.

   You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn't stolen.

   People who create their own drama, deserve their own karma

   This is a plea for help; can we please make commercials and tv shows the same volume again?

   i think casinos should add a russian roulette table for those who jus lost everything

   Anyone can air guitar. It takes a true artist to air tambourine.

   Was just at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   Why do ladies spend so much anger on The Other Woman? They should really be more infuriated with their cheating lover.

   Those crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you go blind or get extremely dizzy

   Serving Size: Serves six adults or one ten year old.

   A Christian right wing pastor named Mark Driscoll said masturbation is a form of homosexuality, so apparently I'm not just a homosexual, but I am a ridiculously promiscuous flaming homosexual. 30+ years and I had no idea.

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them.

   On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.

   I used to be addicted to soap,,,,,but I'm clean now

   Once upon a time the hardest decision we had to make was to choose our favorite color in a crayon box...

   The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you