Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Facebook persona did not sleep well last night.

   I don't think I'm better than you. I never think about you.

   Hey girl with 40,000 tweets and 14 followers, I'm guessing you should probably shut the f$ck up.

   We need more propeller hats

   You know you're getting older when you would rather ignore someone, so you don't have to go through the trouble of disposing their body...

   A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.

   Hey, DirecTV? Ummm...now that Viacom is being asses, can we have G4 back? Sincerely, 90% of your customers who DON'T care about the so called MTV showing 16 & Pregnant

   Wal*Mart now offers psychiatric treatment. I got out of there quick. I used the 10 issues or less line.

   Wow, congress isn’t taking the end of “Breaking Bad” very well at all.

   CNN poll: 17% of Americans view North Korea favorably... CBS poll: 9% of Americans approve of Congress.... Hmm

   Why is it that in a movie, the good guy can take on three bad guys and get a hell of a beat down without batting an eye, but in the next scene he will wince when the woman tries to dress his wounds?

   No Nike. I'm tired. You do it. I'll get the next one!

   Some play hard to get, I play hard to want

   BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.

   Haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe quote in a while. I hope she's okay.

   I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.

   "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel

   If you matured and made changes in Your life, you made a "180"....not a DAMN "360." A "360" means the same Degree of Stupidity..

   I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage