Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.

   It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless.

   When you're tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."..

   154 U.S. Walmarts are going to close, reducing their total number of open checkout lanes by 6.

   I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.

   .... I'm puzzled .... How did America go from being a nation that figured out how to put a man on the moon ... To one that is confused about which bathroom to use?

   In World Cup news, the England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6...

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.

   It's getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.

   Kim Kardashian wants to break the internet? All this no talent hack needs to do to break the internet is to sit on it.

   The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...

   Somewhere someone's therapist knows you.

   Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"

   Want people to not mess with you? Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle and walk down the street drinking it.

   Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

   Trouble's brewing at Symphony Hall.. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th,,, and the bassists are loaded.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   just asked my son - where would you be without your mother? His answer: "Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger."

   In light of recent develops the once popular phrase "Eat Me" has lost popularity!!

   I have a feeling if I was superhero, my name would be Sarcasmo.