Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My BEST ever fart,, was the one that made my Grandmother turn round and say "Robert? Who's Robert?"

   I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.

   Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

   Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment...

   If your coffee order has more instructions than an ikea bunk bed then you're probably an a$$hole.

   The American Justice system was ruined the day they started to allow cameras in the courtroom.

   There should be a sequel song about needing a ride back from Funkytown.

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   So... Where does one obtain minions?

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

   i finally figured out what I wanna be when I get older...........................Younger!

   We need to stop calling Wednesday "Hump Day." Anyone with children knows that humping doesn't happen on school nights.

   I just don't get it. One minute their telling you that they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat and the next their covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed....... Women.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger should have lived by one of the ten commandments of politics: Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

   Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say

   says if there were no bad parents, there would be no good strip clubs!

   if I could just harness the powers of that groundhog to predict the future...I'd be unstoppable...and I could dig like a mother fu@ker too...

   Just moved the dog's bed to vacuum underneath and found a stack of pics of people's legs.

   Just met one of those people that start laughing at things you said 10 minutes ago....because they just "got it"

   My ex said I would always have the key to her heart, so I take it that her new man is a locksmith?