Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that if you see someone healthy parking in a handicapped zone, when they exit their car, you should be able to make an honest person out of them!

   Snow Tip: The other people out shoveling are called "neighbors." They are like Facebook friends who live nearby.

   I'm on a 30 day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

   Twitter: Its just like being stranded on a "lonely" island and writing a small, meaningless message to be put in a bottle and thrown out to sea hoping somebody will write you back.

   Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

   Don't be humble. You're not that great...

   I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.

   I've always wondered what would happen if I deleted my recycle bin...

   If fanny packs were actually awesome, do you realize how easier life would be?

   On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

   Change is good..especially if you wear diapers!

   So excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS! Also on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where is my cat?

   I wish there was a "I liked your Facebook status until every one of your moron friends had to comment on it

   The Klondike Bar found out what I did for it, and now it's blackmailing me."

   I personally know that being stupid is its own reward

   White Chocolate Milk. Tell me your mind wasn't blown just now...

   "Let's save this so we can throw it away in few days" - Tupperware

   Watching CNN coverage of Irene, reporter is standing holding on for dear life... ready to fall over from the wind... 75lb. girl walks by with her ipod on walking her dog and not even off balance. AMERCIA at its best!

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner