Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

   once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along

   If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

   Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"

   I've been waiting for this moment ever since I got up... goodnight!

   "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Spongebob

   On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

   There are few guarantees in life but if you see a grown man riding a bmx, he knows where to score some meth

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   High School Reunions: Trying to replicate that which was never so great to begin with.

   A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

   after I ask the magic 8-ball, I get a second opinion from the bobble-head..

   If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is "My god how does he drink his beer??", You might be an alcoholic.

   Men say women should come with instructions. Hello! When was the last time you saw a guy read the instructions?

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...