Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people live life in the fast lane. I have decided that I live it in oncoming traffic at night with no lights on. Welcome to my world, buckle up.

   Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

   How does that old saying go.. Nice guys finish, In their hand?

   duck....duck...duck...grey goose!

   some people were dropped as babies. clearly, you were thrown against a wall.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   So we just spent $4 billion on an election about "too much spending?"

   Poodles aren't as absorbent as they look.

   Every time I lose my phone, it's always on either silent or vibrate. How convenient…

   The person who coined the phrase "Laughter is the best medicine" probably never received Demerol during his hospitalization.

   Relationships are like a card game. You start off with 2 Hearts and a Diamond, then end up wishing you had a Club and Spade.

   The least they can do while screwing me at the gas pump is to pull my hair!!!

   I am so clever sometimes I don't even understand what I'm saying.

   you're not drinking alone if there's a mirror in the room right?!

   If you go to google and type " why does my " in the search box. Read some of the suggestions on there and you'll see why I hate people.

   I only do things the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

   The two words that get me in the most trouble are "Why Not?"

   If you spend the rest of your life trying to make up for past mistakes, there won't be any time to make any new ones.

   If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.