Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 592 of 6385
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
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01-26-2012 11:20
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When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."
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04-01-2012 20:57
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If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang
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04-11-2012 06:50 by snotty
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I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact.
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12-03-2011 14:01
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We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
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12-12-2011 12:24 by BEGO
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YouTube is the only way you can see MTV playing music.
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12-14-2011 15:08
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I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.
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10-15-2011 12:58 by @clarkysj
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Welcome to America:You can be the valedictorian of your class, go to college, get a Doctorate's Degree, get a really good job, and you're still not going to make as much each year as Snooki.
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10-26-2011 01:55 by g0re
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wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming
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11-03-2011 22:34 by Eddy
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Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.
Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!
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09-29-2013 18:15 by HiYourJon
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FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.
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10-19-2013 21:53 by snotty
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I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.
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10-28-2013 20:19 by snotty
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Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.
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11-18-2013 13:02 by Baddie
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it be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back
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03-13-2014 16:47
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I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?
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05-04-2014 15:07 by cpaman
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I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
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03-09-2015 22:56 by Pipo
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A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ
So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?
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12-23-2012 08:21 by Czovczov
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WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.
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12-23-2012 15:58
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