Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   You know you're getting old when one of the Goonies is now playing a grandmother in a TV comedy.

   wonders who opened that first oyster and said, "My, my, my... now doesn't this look yummy!"

   would like to offer you a helpful tip : Build a bridge.....AND JUMP OFF IT!!

   If I select the "Advance Pat Down" option instead of the Full Body Scanner, do I get some Barry White music and a nice glass of Merlot?

   Do car companies REALLY think it's possible that a spouse is secretly able to obtain financing, purchase a car, have it wrapped in a bow, and delivered on Christmas Eve?

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.

   Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.