Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im not fat I'm just easier to see

   I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..

   It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

   noticed that ever since Susan Boyle confessed her virginity to the world, the Taliban and Al Qaeda have cut back on suicide bombing, knowing now what lies ahead for them.

   Girls are like buses they come and go. But remember there's only one bus that takes you home. Never miss that ONE bus :)

   If you watch the Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.

   Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

   wondering what people used to do or how they lived their lives without the internet....so I asked Google

   I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth, then I ask myself the same question...

   I'm doing a water balloon drive by at bestbuy tonight at 23:00 hours...... Whose with me?!?!

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   My 14 y/o daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's okay to leave her alone with him.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.

   I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

   You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

   Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.

   How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

   I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can't get these things off.