Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake

   I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..

   It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.

   why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....

   The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

   They're called "Skinny Jeans". Not "Make You Skinny Jeans..

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   Im not fat I'm just easier to see

   Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look fat.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.

   noticed that ever since Susan Boyle confessed her virginity to the world, the Taliban and Al Qaeda have cut back on suicide bombing, knowing now what lies ahead for them.

   Girls are like buses they come and go. But remember there's only one bus that takes you home. Never miss that ONE bus :)

   If you watch the Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.

   Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

   I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth, then I ask myself the same question...

   I'm doing a water balloon drive by at bestbuy tonight at 23:00 hours...... Whose with me?!?!