Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll.

   I remember as a teenager I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even have the ringer on.

   They should just install an elevator on Mt. Everest and be done with it.

   I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex... Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.

   When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?

   Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.

   Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.

   Your not old until your toenails look like Frito chips.

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.

   When you open your heart to someone, there is blood...... LOTS and LOTS of blood... And then you die. So don't open your heart.

   Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

   My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep.