Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.

   Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.

   So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.

   I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.

   The real St. Valentine was beaten, stoned and then beheaded...now that would make one hell of a Hallmark card...

   If 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it, what the hell is the tenth doctor recommending?

   How the hell does an "aspiring rapper" have a Maserati???

   I hate when I'm singing and people join in. B*tch, this aint glee.

   The hardest thing you can hit people with is the truth.

   You say you don't need to drink to have fun. All I'm hearing is designated driver.

   The brain has around 100 billion neurons in it. Makes you think

   Kids, try dealing with bullies the way I did: Grow up to be smarter, wealthier and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.

   I'd drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.

   Purposefully wearing white today. My level of badassery knows no bounds!

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.

   Women are weird. Hundreds of people can tell them they're beautiful but they'll obsess over the one person that doesn't.

   Two things you should never do to a woman is lie to them and be completely honest with them.

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.