Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

   Strangly enough we will need China to finance us in our war against them ! Crazy thing is they will probably do it !

   One man's hoe is probably another man's hoe too.

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!

   Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...

   "Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.

   You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.

   My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and there/their/they're.

   Why do I have to add my birthday to your calendar? It's on my page.

   I've discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I'm probably going to die alone.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

   MLM's…aka "PYRAMID SCHEMES" is just like the LOTTERY. It gives MILLIONS of people hopes & dreams but in reality they just end up losing money while ONLY A FEW hit the jackpot.

   I just changed my relationship status from "left hand" to "right hand"...

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life