Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 494 of 6385
Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.
←Rate |
10-26-2013 18:15 by snotty
Comments (0)
In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet.
←Rate |
02-02-2010 21:36 by Pineapple
Comments (0)
Women. Can't live with them, can't finish this joke without having to sleep on the couch.
←Rate |
04-24-2010 20:54
Comments (0)
This girl tells me "you only call me when your bored "ughhh.... duhh!! why would I call you when i'm busy?!?
Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!
My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.
←Rate |
08-08-2010 18:12
Comments (0)
They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.
←Rate |
09-02-2010 06:46
Comments (0)
It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.
←Rate |
05-19-2012 07:29 by flinnie
Comments (4)
Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.
←Rate |
03-06-2012 19:47 by BEGO
Comments (0)
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
←Rate |
02-02-2012 16:35 by Aaron
Comments (0)
Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.
←Rate |
02-04-2012 08:37 by SEAN
Comments (0)
Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms
←Rate |
01-06-2012 00:29
Comments (0)
Does anyone else's leg falsely alert you that your phones vibrating? I hate that!
←Rate |
01-28-2011 16:53
Comments (2)
Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary
Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.
I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."
I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."
←Rate |
04-12-2011 09:49 by Gman
Comments (0)
Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone
←Rate |
05-09-2011 20:24 by Mahdi H
Comments (0)
Satan called, he wants his weather back..
←Rate |
07-21-2011 09:01 by Wolf
Comments (0)
I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.
←Rate |
07-21-2011 21:07
Comments (0)