Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.

   Sometimes I fake dumbness just to see how far people will go with their lies.

   dear automatic flushing toilet, I wasnt finished. calm the FUWK down!!!

   Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."

   Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred...

   1) Type in google "50 Most Popular Women" 2) Find something with abcnews.com 3) Click on it 4) Look Who has "Nr. 7" position 5) Have a nice laugh)))

   When I was little, I used to watch the raindrops roll down the window and see which one "won"

   Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

   Remember when text messaging was passing a note back and forth in class?

   Earlier today I passed a street sign that said "Dip". I have an idea, instead of putting in the time and money into the "Dip" sign, how about filling in the dip?? Just a thought. If the bridge went out, would they just put up a sign that said, "River"?

   Beyonce & Jay-Z are expecting a baby. Man, that kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.

   worried that my drinking might be affecting my memory. I'm also worried it might be affecting my memory.

   I have decided I am going to write erotica for the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: "He wondered why she took off her Dentures. Later he could not thank her enough."

   Do you think you could drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your @ss? Talk or Drive... PICK ONE!!

   You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

   Nothing pisses me off more than going through a Drive-Thru with someone who says they don't want anything, then they start to eat your fries

   "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

   Why is the jeopardy theme song stuck in my head? its giving me a false sense of anxiety...

   just seen the ex and now sitting here wondering... What was I smoking and drinking throughout THAT whole relationship!