Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two blondes fall down a pit. First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..." Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..."

   I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Every phone should have the same charger!

   it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

   Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians

   I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.

   Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some titties...how was your day?"

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   Dear JB HATERs – I owe my life to Justin. On March 9th, 2009 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash. One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, so I got up, and turned the radio off.

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   ‎5 reasons hurricanes are like Christmas...5) Family & friends out-of state-calling you 4) Last minute shopping in crowded stores 3) Days off from work 2) Candles 1) And at some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.