Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two blondes fall down a pit. First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..." Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..."

   I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.

   Every phone should have the same charger!

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears

   Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some titties...how was your day?"

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   Dear JB HATERs – I owe my life to Justin. On March 9th, 2009 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash. One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, so I got up, and turned the radio off.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   ‎5 reasons hurricanes are like Christmas...5) Family & friends out-of state-calling you 4) Last minute shopping in crowded stores 3) Days off from work 2) Candles 1) And at some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   If you send me a friend request and your profile picture is a car, I will assume your a transformer

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.