Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   No, I'm not "done sleeping." In fact, I will never be done sleeping, I'm merely taking a break in order to earn money so that I may keep my bed in its current, climate-controlled location.

   Word for today: Dipshidiot

   Two blondes fall down a pit. First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..." Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..."

   Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.

   Every phone should have the same charger!

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears

   Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some titties...how was your day?"

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   ‎5 reasons hurricanes are like Christmas...5) Family & friends out-of state-calling you 4) Last minute shopping in crowded stores 3) Days off from work 2) Candles 1) And at some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   If you send me a friend request and your profile picture is a car, I will assume your a transformer

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   Dear JB HATERs – I owe my life to Justin. On March 9th, 2009 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash. One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, so I got up, and turned the radio off.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.