Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.

   Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy h0rny? What the f^ck are the 49 things after "touch his p*nis

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   www.amish.com. How did this happen?

   Dude in the truck in front of me, I have no idea where you're going but you've got a huge grill and two kegs in the back of your truck and pulling a trailer with a go cart and a huge inner tube. I'm following you!

   If you dont like being tailgated then dont play movies I like.

   As my 5 year-old nephew and I carved my pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That's what happens to snitches.”

   Overheard at grocery: "Paper or plastic, sir?" "Doesn't matter. I'm bisacksual."

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.

   If I had a shot of whiskey for everytime I thought of you, I'd be sober.

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie.

   I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

   The only rule when a Genie grants you a wish is that you cannot wish for more wishes. Think outside the Box and wish for more Genies. The moral is that, every situation has a loop hole

   I'm pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.

   Who would have thought that giving an actor with a history of drug addiction $2 million an episode would have turned out badly?

   Forrest Gumps license plate says 1forrest1

   I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons

   Telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder"

   Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires