Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   Lazy rule number 42: If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.

   I never win at Scrable

   When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   How come Mario can smash through bricks... yet he dies when he touches a freaking turtle!!!???

   Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   www.amish.com. How did this happen?

   Dude in the truck in front of me, I have no idea where you're going but you've got a huge grill and two kegs in the back of your truck and pulling a trailer with a go cart and a huge inner tube. I'm following you!

   If you dont like being tailgated then dont play movies I like.

   As my 5 year-old nephew and I carved my pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That's what happens to snitches.”

   Overheard at grocery: "Paper or plastic, sir?" "Doesn't matter. I'm bisacksual."

   How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie.

   Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.

   I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.