Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spiders should be required to keep proof of all the insects they've killed so when I find them in the house I can decide whether to leave them alone, move them outside, or flatten them with extreme prejudice.

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   Somthing always tells me, be camera ready when I go into Walmart..

   Note to Self: Singing the theme song to Two and a Half Men while watching it, fun and acceptable. Singing it while in the showers at the gym, not so much.

   My life coach just benched me.

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   The next time someone calls you from a withheld number just answer it and say, "hello London sperm bank. You squeeze it - we freeze it!" ... See what happens.

   Jogging is too much work, walking is too slow, I'm gonna take up skipping. When people see me coming down the sidewalk, I'm pretty sure they'll make an extra effort to move out of the way.

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

   The only reason I ever check my voicemail is to clear the notification.

   Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can't be explained

   I hate mosquitoes!!! I mean, I know I'm delicious but damn...

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake

   Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

   has just realized it doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full...either way it just means there is still room for more vodka!

   Round-trip airfare from San Diego to Minneapolis - $335; checking a suitcase - $25; Dr. Pepper & Peanuts - $6.50; WiFi - now free; Checking your Facebook page and over-shooting the airport by 150 miles instead of landing the jet airliner - JOBLESS !!!

   My alarm clock and I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escalated. Now I'm awake & it's broken. Not sure who won the fight

   I'd like to give you a nice going away present. But first, you have to do your part.