Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house but two people died...

   The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

   Yes I realize I wore this shirt last time you saw me. I don't own 365 t-shirts, so the odds of this happening again are roughly 1 in 10.

   Told my friend if he causes us to go to jail, I am slapping the soap out of his hands...

   Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

   Wouldnt ot be nice if breast implants came with a squeaky toy inside them.

   "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."

   You've been dating for 2 days - you don't love each other.... Shutup!

   Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

   I´ll bet a beer that you won´t bring me one! *gotcha*

   How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.

   I don't particularly care that your menu options have recently changed nor will I be listening carefully... I will be hitting 0 and # repeatedly until a real person gets on the line.

   Modern tragedy... Dumb people with smartphones

   No officer, my speech isn't slurred. I'm just talking in cursive.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

   In case anyone is wondering, it's 72 degrees and partly cloudy in India today. The only reason I know this is because I just had a pleasant conversation with a Customer Service rep from Bank of America....

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times,, and you are a weather man.

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

   I don't know about Samuel Jackson doing Capitol One commercials. Something about an angry black man asking what's in my wallet makes me very nervous.

   If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!