Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   70% of you might think I'm being disingenuous when I say I'm surprised that you "like" my status...The other 30% are googling "disingenuous"...

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.

   say's never go to a Doctor whose plants are dead in the waiting room!

   thinks single-ply toilet paper should be a human rights violation.

   The trouble with life is there's no background music

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency

   ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end

   You know your'e getting old when you think an XBOX is where you keep your divorce papers.

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

   So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place?

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

   I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change....

   My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

   Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials bause I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.