Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.

   You can only put the wheels on a wagon so many times, then it's time for a new wagon!

   "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.

   Gas prices are about $3.95 a gallon and females still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"

   Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

   There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.