Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

   You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.

   Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

   The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.

   the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription!

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

   I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

   I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.

   Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"

   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my eleven page essay that I swear I didn't make any changes to.!