Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   Fact: Tan cellulite looks better than pale cellulite.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)

   I'm sick of the cold. I'm ready to complain about it being too hot.

   Why does it take less than a minute to pay online and more than 10 days for the refund ??

   The Walk Of Shame: When you toss a paper ball in the trash, miss, then have to go get it.

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don't know where to start

   the difference between your mind and heart; your mind tells you what the smart thing is to do.. and your heart tells you what you're gonna do anyway.

   The first scene of Star Wars 7 should be C-3P0 waking up and saying "I just had three horrible dreams!"

   Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn