Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

   According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.

   Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”

   Ever notice that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!

   Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.

   Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside.

   Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.....

   I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."

   If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

   Joe looks like Nancy’s vagina.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.

   Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

   Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   Black smoke rose from my toaster this morning... a new pope tart has been chosen..