Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wow i'm so behind on pop culture I just now found out who that little girl on tv is and her name is justin bieber

   says "Hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop ttthhatt I ggott ttthe vvibbratttor ffromm?? Hhow ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff?"

   Did, we REALLY need a Karate Kid remake????

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

   April is Alcohol Awareness Month and being Friday and all.... tonight I will make special plans to investigate alcohol all night long... Now that I have made you aware...I have done my part !

   I don't know about you, but somehow I feel slightly disturbed watching the trailer for the new Karate Kid. Seeing Jackie Chan beat up a bunch of ten years olds somehow makes me feel like I should call somebody or something.

   not in a good mood, but I'll fake it 'til I make it.

   If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

   Talk is Cheap because the supply has always exceeded the demand.

   Thank you lady from the "Help! I've fallen and can't get up!" commercials. Thank you for making me laugh with your comedic genius!

   Telepath wanted...you know where to apply.

   If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.

   I've been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   joke of the day: So this doctor goes into work one day and asks his assistant if it was wrong to have sex with his patients. Horrified, she runs from the office and screams "OF COURSE IT IS! YOU'RE A VET!!!"

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   U love someone and you marry someone else. The one you marry becomes ur wife and the one you love becomes the password of your email

   ..doesn't understand people who say "by now.." As in "by now you should have children,.by now you should be married..by now you should.." Sorry but if "by now" i'll "pay later".