Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smoking, drinking and you...two things I love.

   I've forgotten how to "hang out" with people if alcohol isn't involved.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way," I usually do.

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Whenever someone says "Expect the unexpected" I get the urge to smack them and say "It's not as good as it sounds, is it?"

   Doctors were stunned by how many years she lived without a personality...

   Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she'll be awake.

   At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself

   Okay, who put super glue in my K why Jelly Warming Sensation bottle?

   Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my "M" back..... you know, since you're not using it. Sincerely, _usic

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

   hope my wife gets her next period in a shark tank

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.

   With gas prices headed towards $4.00/gal, I think its time we formed an intergovernmental organization of oil consumers. We should call it the Organization of Fuel Using Countries, and tell OPEC that if they keep it up they'll be hearing from OFUC.

   My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea

   Missing wife and dog. Reward for dog.

   There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

   Been eating thin mints like crazy and haven't lost a pound