Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looking for this guy named Lent...everybody keeps giving him things that I'm gonna need for my Charlie Sheen Holloween costume...

   thinking why do all main disney channel or nickolodeon stars become singers when most cant even sing!?

   I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.

   I just saw my episode of cops on television. Damn I'm fast.

   just heard that Lady Gaga will top her last performance by rebirthing....Special Guest: Octomom...

   someone just googled my status and said they knew I couldnt be that funny

   Here's what's happened in Wisconsin. The people who earn the money to pay these public sector workers -- for the first time -- have somebody representing them.

   This is my last cookie......-eats it then gets a few more-

   wonders - on a scale from 1 to Osama Bin Lanin, how good was my hiding spot?

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - New York City's most hated cab driver

   While pumping gas, if you listen closely, you can hear the pump telling your kid's college fund to go "F" itself.

   Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.

   I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   decided to go on a Light Diet....whenever there's light...I eat.

   Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   Sometimes I think that my parents had me just so I could clean the house for them.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   In our city its not what you know. Its not who you know. Its what you know about who.