Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

   Charlie Sheen was asked to take a drug test. His response.. "Sure, what drug do you want me to test?"

   You hold a door open for an old lady and you're a hero. You smell her hair as she walks past and suddenly you're a pervert.

   May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

   A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

   There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

   Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

   Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice

   Religions change; beer and wine remain.

   To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

   Here's what I've learned about dogs: They're a lot like pretty girls. Having one or two around makes everything more fun, but when you get a whole bunch together, it turns into one big power struggle.

   I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.

   When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

   I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   If you dont like me remember its mind over matter, I dont mind and you dont matter!

   BEER!!!! now cheaper than gas...DRINK......DON'T DRIVE!!!!!

   Hold your tounge and say " I won a math debate"

   i wonder if men who wear skinny jeans have to wear thongs too since there is clearly no room for boxers or briefs in those things

   SAY ''I won a math debate'' really fast & click the like button if you get it