Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   X Why does seaworld have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'oh my god... I could be eating a slow learner..'. (had to correct the spelling error from the first post)

   Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.

   Facebook : "a stalkers dream come true"

   When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, “Ladies first” it really means “Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks.”

   I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.

   Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend

   Don't Mind Me Just Trying to Find the name on the back of your Girl Jeans

   some people have a way with words other people have not way.

   I see my self as a crayon, maybe I'm not yourr favorite color, but one day you will need me to complete your picture.

   slept like an aircraft controller.

   “There's always more fish in the sea.” Well that's fine…if you want a fish with 3 eyes and 5 fins due to all the radiation in the sea now.

   That girl is a LOBSTER! All the meat is in the tail.

   But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

   they say there is more fish in the sea....im not sure what bait to use and I sure in the hell dont wanna catch any crabs...

   Dear windshield wipers,...You cant touch this.....Sincerely, The triangle

   anyone else think Scotty from American Idol looks like Alfred E Newman from Mad Magazine???

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

   I won't get angry at you today... I just learned it's "Be kind to Animals Week"!

   Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.