Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ

   "We Bought A Zoo" looks like the weakest of the Bourne movies.

   I invented a steak sauce. The ingredients; Au Jus, Shiitake Mushrooms, and Vinegar. No one will market it. They have a problem with the name. I named after the three ingredients. What's so bad about: "Au Shiit Niga!"

   NBA = Nlggas Balling Again

   3 grand for a jacuzzi eff that give me some beans and some bathwater and i'll make one for a dollar

   Christmas trees are like boobs. Fake ones are nice to look at, but real ones are better.

   I am in the process of writing a new country song for someone special....... Its called "If I woulda shot you sooner, Id be outta prison by now."

   "DRINKY POOS"- What a girl calls a few drinks trying to be cute. "DRINKY POOS"- What a guy has after a night of drinking.

   Mirrors can't talk. And lucky for you they can't laugh.

   Everyone at the North Pole knows, if you want the very best weed, you go find Blitzen.

   If you and your gf/bf traded phones for one day, would you still be together when the day was over?

   coulda sworn I read most of these jokes already on the android joke app:/

   If you put your pinky in your ear and scratch it, it sounds like pacman...

   "I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies

   Does P.Diddy get upset every time he goes to Wendy's and orders the Biggie fries?

   Did you know that you can bite off your finger as easily as you can bite a carrot? But you're brain is like "No, don't eat your finger." So that's why you can't.

   I hate it when I get into an argument with my mom and then later I here her talking about it on the phone and I'm just sitting there like.....no that's not how it happened. -__-

   i get called "insane" at least four times a day by both real and imaginary people.

   Alright, buddy, stop scrolling, its time to wipe that as$

   Shower = 27 min. 2min. = Wash and rinse body. 25 min. = Reflection and deep thoughts about the origin of life and the universe.