Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ßî†chës be trippin.. OK, I may have pushed a few.

   I was pîssëd when I found my wife's profile on a dating site. That lying bî†ch isn’t "fun to be around."

   The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.

   Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.

   I'm white, but I'm not "Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air" white.

   Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plan school shootings.

   Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra and many other problems !!!

   People who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" must not understand the concept of sleeping.

   Jesus needs your money, but send it to me. ~ False Prophets.

   There's nothing wrong with living under a rock, as long as there's wifi..

   Enough with the chit chat.. its time to hit that

   If the shoe fits, shove it up your ass

   Sometimes I wake up and just know I'm going to need bail money.

   Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don't know how many pills to take.

   I know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask me to leave.

   It’s all fun & games until feelings & emotions get involved then it becomes life.

   Buy her a time machine, because women love bringing up the past.

   When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.

   There are 2 types of people. Ones I like and everyone else.

   Of course you're sorry, you got caught.