Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.

   85% of men don't understand Women & the balance 15% suffer from short-term memory loss!

   Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can't dance.

   I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".

   "Quick! Hold this foreskin! No time to explain!" - Religion

   "A group of West Virginians who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies? A&E, you got your next hit!"

   I'm not a stalker; but you should wipe from front to back.

   Colorado has the best Chicken Pot Pie.

   Given all the turmoil in the world, Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.................. And on and on. I don't like Miracle Whip. I just want good old Duke's Mayonnaise.

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.

   I used to have an attitude problem. I broke up with her about a year ago.

   Girl stop spilling your crazy all over me!

   Give a man a fish and he'll ask you why you are trying to buy a box of donuts with a fish.

   Girls are unique,,, they want you to know how they feel but they don't want to tell you

   Obama said he wouldn't let his son play football bc he fears it would cause dementia. Someone should tell Obama that he doesn't have a son.

   I am glad to say that even after all these years. I still follow Bell Biv Devoe's advice on not trusting a big butt and a smile

   Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.

   This game is making me hungry for Omaha steaks

   Seattle vs Denver..Washington St vs Colorado...marijuana SuperBOWL..

   The Patriots defensive coverage today is almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.