Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at first you don't succeed..... consider the fact that you may $%&! Suck!

   ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end... ahahahahaha....did I kill the series? Can we be done with Vampires Light ?

   about to beat my di@# like it owes me money.

   thinks that the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes should have been part of the Health Care Bill. I could then have developed a serious case of anal glaucoma and I would be too stoned to care about all the money this is going to cost us.

   if you could have anything right now, what would you have? I want to have a healthy heart, to walk, to see, to hear, to have awesome friends and a wonderful family.....OH WAIT! I have that already so pretty much Nothing, man. I'm happy as is.

   So I just went shopping for a night stand. the chick tried to sell me two. I was like I only need one . She didnt get it. So I asked her out.

   has decided that instead of flipping off these idiot drivers I'm just going to blow them a kiss instead.

   Rated R for disturbing violent content, language and some nudity

   When you r right no one remembers... But When you r wrong no one forgets..!

   Reasoning Behind Most Comments to A Woman's Photos: 75%-Looks, 20%-Talent, 5%- REAL Talent.

   Mother rabbit to baby bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."

   saw a man get out of his convertible at Wal-Mart yesterday, take two steps and then turn back to lock the doors. I chuckled because the top was down.

   In it's purest sense, redistribution of wealth is when I buy dogfood, feed it to my dogs, and they sh#t it out all over my yard...

   Rain with sunshine today... the devil must be beating his wife.

   The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners.

   I saw the commercial for Southwest that advertized "Bags Fly Free" and I thought it said "Fags Fly Free". I got sooo excited for a minute!

   I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

   When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

   it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

   says Once a cobra bit Bear Grylls' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.