Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life needs to give out Vodka now, enough lemons collected

   I was an Athlete in school. I Dreamt of running in the Olympics one day! Now, I dream of just getting my fat a$$ off the couch!!!

   XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!

   Here's a lesson that no matter how many times I learn it, I always forget: When a woman asks you for your opinion about something, she doesn't actually WANT your opinion; she just wants to hear her opinion said again with a deeper voice.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer…

   When asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   BREAKING NEWS: The Last person just finished voting in Florida....

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....

   If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.

   Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(

   I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. people hate you because you're a nasty b itch.

   I really need to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" Some people are starting to take it as a personal challenge!

   I hide my vodka in orange juice

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.