Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ... Look .... I'm Sorry but if I see you walk into a fence or wall or see you fall into a pothole because you were looking for Pikachu ... I'm only gonna Laughachu!

   I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.

   I guess the dead didn't get out to vote.....

   I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.

   Turns out Santa is the ultimate Millennial Hipster ..... He works one day a year .... and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

   if being sarcastic burned calories, I'd look like a total crackhead.

   “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day

   Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"

   What the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH What my kids read: Touch when nobody is looking

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.

   New survey: 55% of men expect to pay on the 1st date. While the other 45% have never been on a 2nd date.

   Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.

   I really hate people who say, "I know something about you but I cant tell you" Well, I know something about you too and its that you are an a$$hole.

   Had many interesting conversations today, but don't remember any of them... Come to think of it, I wasn't even listening.

   2012 doesn't mean the end of the world. It just means its time to buy a new Mayan calendar...that's how a f*cking calendar works. It ends.

   I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

   Wait - so we're NOT supposed to eat the Silica Gel packet?

   Every business has its busy season. The gyms are now bracing for their two-week onslaught of door crashers.