Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving

   How about we put Sandusky and the Colorado shooter in the same cell, and turn out the lights?

   Sometimes relationships last longer when facebook doesn't know about them.

   My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.

   I'm starting to believe that most people wouldn't be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies....

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.

   take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.

   so excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where's my cat?

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   at the airport and not too upset about going through a full-body scan... what I am REALLY upset about is that this Enzyte stuff totally DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!

   Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.

   The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."

   Dear Week, You are not attractive and I am leaving you for Weekend... I'd say it wasn't you, and that it was me... But yeah, it was you...