Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."

   I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   If you think my status upd@tes are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.

   I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.

   Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.

   I hate vans. Nothing good ever comes out of them. Kidnappers... Terrorists... Soccer moms.

   I'm in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!

   Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."

   I'm surprised nobody ever complained that the grape dude in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is black

   There’s this one dumb ass that found me on Facebook and won’t give up. Repeated friend requests, inbox messages.. It’s driving me nuts. I know at some point I’ll have to give in, but just because we’re married it doesn't mean I have to like him,

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   Dear Statefarm Insurane Advertising Team, It's time to re-invent yourself thanks.

   Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

   I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.

   Police in Sweden found drugs on Justin Bieber's bus. I'm sure it wasn't for him. It was for the rest of his crew who have to tolerate him.

   Dear NBC Sports, the black jockey is from the Virgin Islands. Stop calling him an African American...