Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Ann Coulter married Madonna, who would be the butch one?

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   How many times does one need to watch BET before their credit score is affected?

   We need to stop calling Wednesday "Hump Day." Anyone with children knows that humping doesn't happen on school nights.

   I just don't get it. One minute their telling you that they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat and the next their covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed....... Women.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger should have lived by one of the ten commandments of politics: Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

   Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say

   says if there were no bad parents, there would be no good strip clubs!

   if I could just harness the powers of that groundhog to predict the future...I'd be unstoppable...and I could dig like a mother fu@ker too...

   Just moved the dog's bed to vacuum underneath and found a stack of pics of people's legs.

   Just met one of those people that start laughing at things you said 10 minutes ago....because they just "got it"

   My ex said I would always have the key to her heart, so I take it that her new man is a locksmith?

   Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck

   I was asked today, " Jeremy, should I dye my beard and get rid of the grey hairs? Or do I look better with the greys?" So I looked this person right in the eyes and said "Aunt Shirley, you really should just shave it! You look like Chewbacca's sister!"

   It's not really stalking if you don't catch me doing it.

   How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   Marriage tip #392: Don't ever, ever start an argument with your wife with "Your f**kin' mother"......