Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.

   FACT... Girls that smoke are 20X more likely to put something else dirty in their mouths.

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.

   Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

   This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."

   BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

   Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.

   A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   Women get $5000.00 for donating eggs. Men get fifty bucks for donating sperm. Fifty bucks? I got a towel next to the bed that's worth $200,000.00

   When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although I never did receive that Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

   An Australian kiss is same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

   Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

   Parents today are spending thousands of dollars "child-proofing" their home. When I was little we stuck our fork in the wall socket ONE time. Our parents let us do it, and they saved thousands of dollars.

   I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should: Go for it, slow down, or just stop.

   I finally friended my wife on Facebook to get updates on our relationship.

   Sticks an stones will break my bones, but This Shovel will knock you the F*ck out!!

   Live like a kindergartener, you dont have to have the coolest clothes or hottest girlfriend you just have to have the biggest box of crayons

   Sarcasm is an art.. and some people just don't have an appreciation for art.

   Wearing pajamas and a robe. I feel like Hugh Hefner, minus everything.