Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   Didn't leave home today. It was too peopley out there.

   A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....

   You can't make us laugh with your Boston Marathon status so please stop trying and move on!

   Women wake up yawning while men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?? I think NOT

   Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.

   I had ADHD as a kid but they had a different name for it. They called it sit down and shut the h*ll up or get medicated with"the belt."

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.

   There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.

   Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

   The gym manager just gave me a dirty look....Apparently, reverse cowgirl is not an appropriate way to ride the exercise bike.

   I wanted a friend with benefits not a friend on benefits.......

   Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.

   The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.

   A gunfight broke out at the BET Awards and yet some people still don't believe in stereotyping…

   They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say, "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd

   Never ask for directions from a starfish.

   With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!

   Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it "Who Gives A Fu¢k"

   anybody gonna mention the fact that the Mayans couldn't even predict the Spanish coming?