Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.

   If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.

   Laxatives: check the traffic report before taking one.

   I think it's cool the way they let the Cardinals pick the pope and not the Cubs or Yankees

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water..... Is that wrong?

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

   I wanna find a girl who loves me for my money, but doesnt understand math.

   Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

   What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?

   Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

   Do you remember that time we were on the school bus and you had your head out the window and I had my a$$ out the window and everyone thought we were twins?

   3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*

   My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

   Why is it that we attacked Iraq for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction (which they didn't) meanwhile North Korea is bragging they have nukes and are threatening us with them and we just twiddle our thumbs!

   Everybody's got their own aIcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience