Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow
←Rate | 02-11-2013 17:02 by MG Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.
←Rate | 02-24-2013 08:30 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.
←Rate | 02-24-2013 11:06 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
←Rate | 03-03-2013 06:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Laxatives: check the traffic report before taking one.
←Rate | 03-07-2013 19:45 by Blue Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think it's cool the way they let the Cardinals pick the pope and not the Cubs or Yankees
←Rate | 03-13-2013 13:24 by Dukely Flukely Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.
←Rate | 04-06-2013 14:55 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'
←Rate | 06-10-2011 22:44 by BEGO Comments (1)  


   messageicon a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water..... Is that wrong?
←Rate | 04-30-2010 03:45 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
←Rate | 04-15-2010 22:00 by paulb808 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wanna find a girl who loves me for my money, but doesnt understand math.
←Rate | 01-29-2010 19:28 by Kobrah Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.
←Rate | 04-05-2012 13:48 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?
←Rate | 01-15-2012 13:35 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.
←Rate | 11-15-2010 11:54 by Ha Ha Brades Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
←Rate | 04-06-2010 05:08 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you remember that time we were on the school bus and you had your head out the window and I had my a$$ out the window and everyone thought we were twins?
←Rate | 04-17-2011 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*
←Rate | 05-13-2011 03:21 by Nomalungelo Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"
←Rate | 10-12-2011 06:38 by Monkeyboy126 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it that we attacked Iraq for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction (which they didn't) meanwhile North Korea is bragging they have nukes and are threatening us with them and we just twiddle our thumbs!
←Rate | 04-08-2013 07:53 Comments (10)  


   messageicon Everybody's got their own aIcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience
←Rate | 02-22-2013 09:16 by Yaj Comments (3)  




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