Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?

   My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.

   Huge spoiler here....... Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. I know, right?!?!?

   Crocs have holes in em so your dignity can escape.

   They're having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I'm dreading it.

   My Wife woke me up at 3:00AM for some fun. So here I am at CVS buying batteries.

   I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.

   My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn't totally destroy my phone

   I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

   According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

   Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are under investigation by CPS, Sounds like someones about to go live with their auntie and uncle in Bel Air..

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward's anger.

   Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.

   I always seem to be running late. My ancestors came over on the Juneflower.

   Time to call HBO and tell them my kids ordered this fight by mistake

   Fun Fact: If a rapper raps about how much money he has, I will be downloading his album for free.

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.

   Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations.

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   *Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug