Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just awesomed all over the place.

   That awkward moment when someone you don't like sends you a friend request, then you decline. Then they send another one.

   ever stand there, making a pot of coffee, look at the coffee grounds and consider doing a line or two of em just to jump start the day? Yep, it's that kinda day !!!

   I only do things the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

   The two words that get me in the most trouble are "Why Not?"

   If you spend the rest of your life trying to make up for past mistakes, there won't be any time to make any new ones.

   If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.

   If you go to google and type " why does my " in the search box. Read some of the suggestions on there and you'll see why I hate people.

   I've been told I have a face for Photoshop.

   Want to see Congress meet the budget deadline? Lion cages with doors set to release at 12AM. Lock all the doors. Watch the cooperation.

   wondering if the goverment shuts down does that mean we will no longer have to pay taxes?t

   With all the technology now you'd figure power rangers would have better graphics....

   People Dont Leave bad Companies, But they leave Bad Bosses

   You know you're country when you use a horse trailer to move.

   I honestly think that women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.

   You know what they say "Home is where you hang your enemies head."

   I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.

   can't seem to come up with anything clever this morning, apparently the voices in my head have decided to sleep in.

   thinks the NFL should stop giving complimentary cutlery sets to the players wives and girlfriends.

   The EPA has released that they are going to fine the United States Navy for dumping a piece of shot into the ocean