Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night when I was drunk I asked a cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"

   "The reason why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

   A lot of people assume when you laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, you're laughing at what YOU said because you're just that freaking hilarious.

   No one can change a person, but someone can be a persons reason to change. - Spongebob.

   Conrad Murray is guilty?!? In other surprising news, Kim Kardashian is getting divorced, Casey Anthony killed her daughter and Justin Beiber will never be anyones father because he is, in fact, a girl...

   Girls: Theres always going to be that girl you think is much prettier, funnier, sweeter and just generally more perfect but have you ever realized that you're probably that girl to someone else?

   When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

   Every bar bathroom should have a cupholder.

   I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of f*cking with me

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   how come everything on a cereal box becomes 10 times more interesting to read when you're eating cereal?

   I have a great sense of humor... --If you don't believe me, look at my Ex!

   There's something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it's lunch money.

   Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.

   It bothers me that one day a future generation with all-digital textbooks will look back and laugh at us for having to carry 40-pound backpacks in high school.

   going to write a meaningful new Facebook status update, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.

   Sure it's flattering and weird at the same time, but you need to stop thinking of me when you masturbate...