Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.

   When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

   My insomnia has narcolepsy...

   learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.

   To the guy in the stall next to me who's "attempting" to sit down...what's with all the TP? Are you a germaphobe or are you trying to build a freaking NEST?!

   the font smaller, or am I on acid??

   Why do paper towel dispensers in public restrooms give you just enough to keep your hands slightly damp?

   Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?

   In a meeting: "Let me reiterate what was just said" can be translated to "I have nothing productive to add but I like the sound of my own voice and think I'm important so I think I need to waste 5 more minutes of all your days"

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

   Would if he could: Change his relationship status to "Pimpin'...and it's complicated"

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

   If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!

   I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".

   Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."

   I think we all have that look perfected that says, "I am paying attention and appear interested in what you are saying", when my brain is really thinking about stuff like pancakes, tv shows, and leaving work early.

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.