Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wanted to go for a nature walk in the woods with my ex today, but the shovel wont fit in my backpack :/

   Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   Here's a question: You ever wonder how many REAL friends you had before the whole Facebook, Myspace, & Twitter thing came into existence?.......You're wondering now.

   The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."

   just watched 'Marley and Me'... Sad movie. I won't give it away but lets just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.

   I am so happy to hear that curiousity killed the cat. For a while, I was the only suspect..

   I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed.

   I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the police call it identity theft.

   Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......