Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Wikileaks...where is the fkn video already...Sincerely, USA

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.

   Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...

   If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.

   Could I borrow your face for Halloween?

   loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.

   next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and say breathing hard or hardly breathing!

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

   (1)Google Translate (2)Type,"Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty" (3)Eng 2 Vietnamese (4)Copy/Paste the Vietnamese Words (5)Vietnamese 2 English

   has just read his wife's magazines and there seems to be two topics of major importance to women: .1) Why men are such disgusting pigs and .2) How to attract a man!

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   it just me or everytime someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head...

   I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.

   I can't wait to go home and rip off my ex-girl friend's underwear!! They have been giving me wedgies all day

   hates it when he goes to a Vuvuzela concert and people start playing football...

   Heres a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and facebook profile for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!!