Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I'm going to need a quick answer for this....

   hopes that all of you are practicing your "Oh my God, I LOVE it!" face? We're getting closer...

   Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.

   In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't finish this joke without having to sleep on the couch.

   This girl tells me "you only call me when your bored "ughhh.... duhh!! why would I call you when i'm busy?!?

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

   They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.

   Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms

   Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.

   Does anyone else's leg falsely alert you that your phones vibrating? I hate that!

   Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone