Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.

   When I was kid they had a cure for ADHD... It was called a Good @ss Whoopin.

   Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!

   The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

   Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   I don't have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?

   When you were a kid there was nothing more satisfying as when you made the honking signal to the truck driver and he honked back

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   The best thing about online classes is the beer.

   Break-ups aren't always meant for make-ups, sometimes they're meant for wake-ups.

   If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear.

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van