Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!

   Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

   has no doubt that there's a place in every woman's life for a red thong, but that place is not five inches above the waistline of her jeans. Ever.

   I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.

   Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   Hiding peoples status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin f*ck you're annoying but I don't wanna delete you cuz you'll notice.

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   loves when people say "I tell it like it is." Really? How about you tell it like it isn't just to shake things up a bit?

   Did you ever notice that all lesbians look like Justin Bieber?

   whenever you don't feel special or the world is draggin you down. just remember this.. there's always beer."

   beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.

   i suppose those highway signs that read "Speed enforced by aircraft" has a more serious meaning in Iraq.

   wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.